Author: Henny Youngman

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Americans are getting stronger; twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries… today, a five-year-old can do it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I live so far out of town, the mailman mails me my letters.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Room service has an unlisted number.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

My son is 21… he’ll be 22 if I let him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

The first part of our marriage was very happy… but then, on the way back from the ceremony…

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one; it didn't come in until half-past five.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses… drinks right out of the bottle.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

You know what I did before I married? … anything I wanted to.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

While playing golf today I hit two good balls… I stepped on a rake.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

The food on the plane was fit for a king… “Here, King!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Generally speaking, my wife is generally speaking.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian