Author: Jay Leno

Women are removing sperm from the bodies of their dead husbands; kind of ironic… when they’re alive, most men can’t give it away.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

He's the first guy to drive a $300,000 car with license plates he made himself.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

We might as well give them ours, we aren’t using it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

[John] Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous; and then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Republicans elect stupid leaders with brilliant staffs and Democrats produce brilliant presidents with stupid staffs.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

As you know President Bush is on a tour of Europe; he says he's hoping to see the whole country.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

They say hot dogs can kill you; how do you know it’s not the bun?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

President Bush has just one question for the American voters: is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were 4 years ago?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Madonna said that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq; Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.”

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

The most dangerous thing about American food?… the portions.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Due to a court ruling, sex toys are now legal in Alabama; the whole state is buzzing.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance; you know what we call these people? … Men.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
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