Author: Jay London

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist – she did everybody.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Dating Relationships Sex

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Communication Dating Language Speech

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Animals

I get all my hair products at PetCo.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Appearance Hair

You might recognize me… I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
People Self

I wanted to join the Army… the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be'… they told me it wasn't enough.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Government Military

My boss told me to get my butt in gear… I told him I was shiftless.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Communication Language Work

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Emotions

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Health

A guy gave me a job at an information booth – no questions asked.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Occupations Work

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Books Hair

I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed… she said one pig in the blanket was enough.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Food/Drink Situations

I model irregular clothing.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Appearance Clothing

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Animals Dogs

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Appearance Characteristics Clothing

Do you know it was a year ago today?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Time

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Situations

I was born nine months premature.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Age Situations Time

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Health

I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent; they kicked me out for pan-handling.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Entertainment Music

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Science/Weather Situations