Author: Jerry Seinfeld

Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.

Jerry: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind; close it and you're right back at the beginning.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

It's strange… two guys in shorts competing for a belt; they should, at least, award them slacks or a shirt.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

George: I should get to sleep with Elaine. That’s the only way to punish you.

Jerry: That doesn’t punish me. That punishes Elaine.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
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