Author: Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

It's strange… two guys in shorts competing for a belt; they should, at least, award them slacks or a shirt.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

I was the best man at the wedding; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
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