Author: Jerry Seinfeld

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

It's strange… two guys in shorts competing for a belt; they should, at least, award them slacks or a shirt.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

George: I should get to sleep with Elaine. That’s the only way to punish you.

Jerry: That doesn’t punish me. That punishes Elaine.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor













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