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Author: Jerry Seinfeld Page 2
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions
Embarrassing
Ginsu Knife
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
People
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Clothing
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children
Family
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication
Failure
Success
Wordplay
Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Reading/Writing
News
Newspapers
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.”
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age
Old
Birthday cake
The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Intelligence
Helmets
George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Condoms
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Body
TV/Movie Quotes
Cleavage
Women don’t respect salad eaters.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men
People
TV/Movie Quotes
Women
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Body
Lips
Lipstick
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Places
Gas station bathrooms
It's strange… two guys in shorts competing for a belt; they should, at least, award them slacks or a shirt.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Boxing
Sports
There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions
Family
Happiness
Fun
Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what
else
is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment
Men
People
Television
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