Author: Jimmy Carr

I’m not worried about the Third World War… that’s the Third World’s problem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Conflict War Wordplay

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Situations Wordplay

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day; she said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, All right, but we're not going to get much done.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realized you could watch it on TV for nothing.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless; I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
People

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things: it could be a urinary tract infection, it could be a bushfire, or it could be someone's talking about your vagina.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health

Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Wordplay

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

David Cameron says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK… that’s wrong… immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Clothing

Say what you want about the deaf…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication People Speech

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Entertainment Television

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said ‘No. I think you’re fattest.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

I, of course, don’t have an accent; this is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim; she said, ‘why not? ’ I said, ‘you look fat.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat