Author: Joan Rivers

The people voting for the Oscars are so old…. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Why women don’t blink during foreplay… not enough time.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger; my first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
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