Author: Joan Rivers Page 3

We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I have a million dollar figure… buts it’s all loose change.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Justin Bieber looks like a little lesbian… he’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in world war eleven.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director