Author: Joan Rivers Page 5

Justin Bieber looks like a little lesbian… he’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Insults

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage Sex

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Girls

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Self

She was so bad he shot himself in it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Reviews/Criticism

Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Eating Fat Food/Drink Insults

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Insults Intelligence Stupidity

Peter Marshall: Time Life Books calls it the most complex lump of matter known to man. What is it?

Joan Rivers: My eggs Benedict!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Hair Insults

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger; my first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Dogs Old

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Death Self

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Shopping

My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Self

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old Situations Work

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Doctors Health

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Clothing Old

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and woman on the bottom; for three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink Self