Author: Joan Rivers Page 5

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

It’s like herpes; you either have it or you don’t.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Why women don’t blink during foreplay… not enough time.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I saw what’s going on under my chin; I don’t want to be the one the president has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?

Joan Rivers: And how… his secretary is a guy!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?

Joan Rivers: Adopted.  

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director