Author: Jon Stewart

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way; I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother, because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Megachurches – I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Yesterday, the President met with a group he calls the coalition-of-the-willing; or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

We called her Mother Earth… because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

You know, if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Oscar [of the Academy Awards] is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons; the Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Critics noted Schwarzenegger’s only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here; she was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian