Author: Josh Billings

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Life is short, but it’s long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

When a man makes up his mind to become a rascal, he should examine himself closely and see if he isn't better constructed for a fool.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

It ain’t what a man don’t know that makes him a fool, but what he does know that ain’t so.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn’t be any fun living in it, or profit.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is sea-sickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

It's a wise man who profits by his own experience, but it's a good deal wiser one who lets the rattlesnake bite the other fellow.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those we intend to commit.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Poverty is the step-mother of genius.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

To enjoy a good reputation give publicly, and steal privately.

(1818 – 1885) humorist