Author: Josh Billings

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

To enjoy a good reputation give publicly, and steal privately.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry – for the clothes.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Laughing is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Some folks are wise and some otherwise.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can’t tell the truth without lying.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those we intend to commit.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can’t suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

It's a wise man who profits by his own experience, but it's a good deal wiser one who lets the rattlesnake bite the other fellow.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is sea-sickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

(1818 – 1885) humorist













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