Author: Mark Twain

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Man is the only animal that blushes… or needs to.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

A classic is a book which people praise, but no one reads.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Are you so unobservant that you do not yet realize that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

When his time comes I shall buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Familiarity breeds contempt… and children.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Heaven goes by favor; for if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly; I said I don’t know.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; this is the principal difference between dog and man.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I am pushing sixty… that is enough exercise for me.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

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