Author: Mark Twain

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

When angry count four; when very angry, swear.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

In India, ‘cold weather’ is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door knob and weather which only makes it mushy.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Germs attack people where they're weakest – which is why there are so many head colds.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Are you so unobservant that you do not yet realize that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

When his time comes I shall buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn’t.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist