Author: Mark Twain

Switzerland is simply a large humpy, solid rock, with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The penis mightier than the sword.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

When his time comes I shall buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.”

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

To eat is human, to digest, divine.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

He would come in and say he changed his mind… which was a gilded figure of speech, because he didn't have any.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly; I said I don’t know.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions; next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist













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