Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Mark Twain Page 3
The trouble isn’t that there are too many fools, but that the lightning isn’t distributed right.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Fools
Intelligence
Science/Weather
Distribution
Lightning
Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Honesty
Money
Policy
It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they’ve been fooled.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs
Honesty
Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Congress
Food/Drink
Government
Law
Sausage
I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication
Language
People
Spelling
Words
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Places
Denial
Egypt
River
Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
People
Daydream
Optimists
The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs
Religion
Bible
Christianity
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities
Communication
Language
Work
Conditions
Play
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
People
Self
Truth
Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family
Good Breeding
Manners
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Annoyance
Good example
Tolerance
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
America
Communication
Language
Places
Speech
Freedom
I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Past
Situations
Truth
Good
To eat is human, to digest, divine.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Eating
Food/Drink
Wordplay
I would like to live in Manchester, England; the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Insults
Places
Manchester
Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health
Insults
Places
Germany
Man is the only animal that blushes… or needs to.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals
Emotions
People
Blushes
Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, & over these ideals they dispute & cannot unite — but they all worship money.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs
Money
Worship
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication
Death
Exaggerations
New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions; next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations
Time
New Year's Day
Resolutions
Page 3 of 9
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