Author: H.L. Mencken Page 2

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Lawyer: One who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Jury: a group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail and if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later, and for another thing, they die earlier.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

It is hard for the ape to believe that he has descended from man.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

In the duel of sex, woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist