Author: H.L. Mencken Page 3

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

It is hard for the ape to believe that he has descended from man.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail and if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Wife: A former sweetheart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Jury: a group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist