Author: Milton Berle

I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

I can’t tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Folks who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Why are we honoring this man? … have we run out of human beings?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

John Davidson: How long does a person have to be missing to be officially declared a missing person?

Milton Berle: If it's a Jewish family…one meal.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor