Author: Mitch Hedberg

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I used to do drugs; I still do, but I used to, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Spaghetti… I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes, but how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If something is 1.0, you don't need to say, 'point oh.'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
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