Author: Mitch Hedberg

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

What am I drinking? … NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I tried to throw a yo-yo away; it was impossible.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian













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