Author: Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,“Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did, and it was a load off my mind; then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down… or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I used to do drugs; I still do, but I used to, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I can read minds but, it’s pointless cause I’m illiterate.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Fish are always eating other fish; if fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite; green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the heck did you get that banana?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' … it's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian













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