Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 4

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; well, I was lost but now I live here – I have severely improved my predicament!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,“Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did, and it was a load off my mind; then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian