Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 4
I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Clothing
People
Self
Size
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
Chicken fingers
I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Things
Telephones
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Glass houses
Windows
Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
People
Adults
Fettucini alfredo
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Situations
Sleep
Blankets
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Communication
Language
Hippopotamus
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things
Cloud 9
If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; well, I was lost but now I live here – I have severely improved my predicament!
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Home
Lost
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Grouper fish
This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication
Language
Comedy
Criticism
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things
Cavities
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Things
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books
Children
Reading/Writing
If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment
Situations
Parades
It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Conflict
Fights
Gazebos
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Football
Sports
Apes
I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Things
Ice
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,“Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did, and it was a load off my mind; then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment
Memory
Television
Commercials
Slipcovers
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
Bananas
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