Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 5

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Intelligence

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities People

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; well, I was lost but now I live here – I have severely improved my predicament!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I remixed a remix… it was back to normal.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried; it never kicked in.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Food/Drink

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go; on a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, “Where’d you get that banana?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Games

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' … it's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Games

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Music

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick… that would be convenient.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Sleep Time

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money Things