Author: Phyllis Diller

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My photographs don't do me justice… they just look like me.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix’ that's why he's never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

By the time my friend was eighteen she had sown enough wild oats to make a grain deal with Russia.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress