Author: Phyllis Diller

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty… but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Tennis is like marrying for money; ‘love’ means nothing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress













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