Author: Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix’ that's why he's never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress













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