Author: Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors – eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
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