Author: Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty… but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress













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