Author: Phyllis Diller

I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors – eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix’ that's why he's never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Burt Reynolds once asked me out… I was in his room.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
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