Author: Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Tennis is like marrying for money; ‘love’ means nothing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My photographs don't do me justice… they just look like me.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

<a href=”http://theautismsite.greatergood.com/clickToGive/&origin=AUT_linktous_Medium”><img border=”0″ alt=”Help children living with autism with one click. The Autism Site” src=”http://theautismsite.greatergood.com/clickToGive/images/content/linktous_aut_medium.jpg”></img></a>

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