Author: Phyllis Diller

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Did you ever look in a mirror and wonder how your pantyhose got so wrinkled… and then remember you weren’t wearing any?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress