Author: Phyllis Diller Page 2

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Tennis is like marrying for money; ‘love’ means nothing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

[My husband] and I are always fighting; when we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My photographs don't do me justice… they just look like me.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Did you ever look in a mirror and wonder how your pantyhose got so wrinkled… and then remember you weren’t wearing any?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress