Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Phyllis Diller Page 2
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Housework
People
I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Old
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Health
Old
Science/Weather
Blood type
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Beliefs
Husbands
Opinion
Tennis is like marrying for money; ‘love’ means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions
Love
Marriage
Sports
Tennis
I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Health
Morning sickness
[My husband] and I are always fighting; when we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Conflict
Marriage
Problems
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
People
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Muscles
[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
People
Self
Garbage
My photographs don't do me justice… they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Photographs
Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Family
Parents
Running away from home
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions
Love
Romance
If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
Self
Figure
I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities
Housework
Ironing
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Time
Work
Ironing
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Old
Walkers
Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Miscellaneous
Blood
Did you ever look in a mirror and wonder how your pantyhose got so wrinkled… and then remember you weren’t wearing any?
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Appearance
Old
Wrinkles
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals
Death
Dogs
Marriage
Wedding pictures
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Children
People
Rest home
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Beauty parlors
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