Author: Phyllis Diller Page 3

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors – eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress