Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Phyllis Diller Page 3
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Time
Christmas
Occasions
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Signs
Contraception
Nudity
Old people
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions
Love
Romance
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Body
Health
Relationships
Breasts
Mother-in-law
Pain
Trick knee
Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Family
Parents
Running away from home
Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking
Eating
Food/Drink
Tasting
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking
Eating
Food/Drink
Bad
Thanksgiving
Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Miscellaneous
Blood
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Family
Situations
Things
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals
Death
Dogs
Marriage
Wedding pictures
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Health
Medicine
Tranquilizers
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
People
Self
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors – eat out.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Eating
Food/Drink
Kitchen odors
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
Self
Ugly
For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations
Sleep
Work
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions
Golf
Laughter
Sports
Pro
I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities
Housework
Ironing
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Beliefs
Husbands
Opinion
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Places
Beauty parlor
His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance
Body
People
Mickey Rooney
I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands
Marriage
Laziness
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