Author: Richard Jeni Page 2

A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' on how Chicago got started

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places Situations

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Problems

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money Places

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Travel

Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Success

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites; these are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!”

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Family Mothers Religion

If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower. – America

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

You know what the average person is?… average.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Characteristics God Intelligence Religion

Married or Single? … there is no good choice; it’s like when your doctor says, ‘Ointment?' or ‘Suppositories’?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

We would need less gun control is we had better birth control.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

One out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat

They’re the only couples you’ll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People