Author: Richard Lewis

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I never give advice – I give warnings to live by.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I have lowered my expectations, sexually; I don’t care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don’t make any grammatical errors.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, “make a death-wish and blow out the candles.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I can’t do two things at once; I can’t have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
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