Author: Richard Lewis

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I never give advice – I give warnings to live by.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
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