Author: Richard Lewis

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

What’s a Jewish mobster?… ‘I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I have lowered my expectations, sexually; I don’t care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don’t make any grammatical errors.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was: “Of course I know that I’m wrong.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you’ve got flies.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Help children living with autism with one click. The Autism Site