Author: Richard Lewis

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I have lowered my expectations, sexually; I don’t care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don’t make any grammatical errors.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, “make a death-wish and blow out the candles.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor













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