Author: Richard Lewis

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

There’s no place like home… that’s why I never went back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

What’s a Jewish mobster?… ‘I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, “make a death-wish and blow out the candles.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor













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