Author: Richard Lewis Page 2

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I never give advice – I give warnings to live by.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor