Author: Rita Rudner

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die… he just didn't want to call you.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity; that's how rich I want to be.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

In Swan Lake, I was the lifeguard.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men are like portable heaters that snore.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I burned 60 calories… that should take care of the peanut I ate in 1962.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When you get a mammogram there, it comes with a two-drink minimum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men don't get cellulite — God might just be a man.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones… unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

All men are animals, but some make better pets than others.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer













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