Author: Rita Rudner

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When you get a mammogram there, it comes with a two-drink minimum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

All men are animals, but some make better pets than others.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Sleep is the best of both worlds: you get to be alive and unconscious.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I was a vegetarian until I found myself starting to lean toward the sunlight.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men will cook if danger is involved.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
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