Author: Rita Rudner

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

In Swan Lake, I was the lifeguard.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men don't get cellulite — God might just be a man.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner; these men usually have jobs and bathe.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they' ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I was a vegetarian until I found myself starting to lean toward the sunlight.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle… it wasn’t mine.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I burned 60 calories… that should take care of the peanut I ate in 1962.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer