Author: Rita Rudner

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity; that's how rich I want to be.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they' ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

In Swan Lake, I was the lifeguard.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My boyfriend and I broke up; he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones… unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?… where does the glue go?"

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
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