Author: Rita Rudner

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men will cook if danger is involved.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men don't get cellulite — God might just be a man.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die… he just didn't want to call you.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Sleep is the best of both worlds: you get to be alive and unconscious.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer













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