Author: Rita Rudner

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I thought AAA was an organization for people who are really bad alcoholics.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones… unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If I can’t have it all, can I at least have some of yours?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer