Author: Rita Rudner Page 2

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Government Men Occupations People Work

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Learning Men People

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Appearance Body Old

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

Men will cook if danger is involved.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Food/Drink Men People

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
People Situations

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle… it wasn’t mine.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Dance Entertainment

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

I thought AAA was an organization for people who are really bad alcoholics.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity; that's how rich I want to be.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Money Wealth

To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Life

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Housework Mothers

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Husbands Marriage

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Conversation Men People Speech Sports Women

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Appearance Beer Body Men

I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones… unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Places

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Friends People Young

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance