Author: Robert Benchley

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Health

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Things

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Beliefs People

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Money Reading/Writing

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities Past People Time

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Intelligence

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Children Family

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Language Speech

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Books Communication Health Reading/Writing

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Age Health Old Young

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Situations

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Murphy’s Laws People Work

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs Learning

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink Fools Intelligence

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Age Health Young

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Science/Weather

In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities America Places Travel

We tried it twice and it worked both times.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Sex

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Reading/Writing Success

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Conflict Killing Men People Women