Author: Robert Orben

A consultant is someone you pay a hundred-dollars-an-hour to give you the same advice you ignore from your assistant.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Occupations People Work

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Appearance Clothing Education People

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children Conflict People

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Characteristics People

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Activities

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Elections/Voting Government

These are the days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Time

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs; then I tasted baby food.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Food/Drink

Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?… turn out the lights!

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Emotions Love

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children People Places

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Science/Weather Situations

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old… unfortunately there’s never one around.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Age Old

To err is human… and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Computers Failure Mistakes Things

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Taxes

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Elections/Voting Government

I’m at the age where I have to find my hearing aid to ask where my glasses are.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Age Old

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Emotions Happiness

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States; ask any Indian.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
America Places Problems