Author: Rod Schmidt

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


Situations

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Appearance Clothing

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?


People

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.


America Places

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


Situations

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.


Things Time

It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.


God