Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood; I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places
Neighborhood
Waterbeds
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors
Family
Health
Child psychiatrist
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink
Sex
Steak
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Sex
Homosexuals
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
Situations
Ice-skating
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money
Poverty
Self
Rainbows
[to a waitress in a bar] Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out… and then bring one every ten minutes.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Thornton Melon in “Back to School”
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
People
Self
Mask
Muggers
She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Education
History
Old
School
Time
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking
Food/Drink
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
People
Self
If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex
pick-pocketers
When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Mothers
Self
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway and he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict
Crime
Police
Subway
I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating
Sex
Teachers
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I’ll put it this way…
I
had it out.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places
Problems
Success
World
Hemorrhoids
So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Thornton Melon in “Back to School”
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit-of-The-Loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Ridicule
Underwear
My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos
Sex
Things
Back seat
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Parents
Places
Young
Moving
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