Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You’re an ecological menace!
Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

With the shape I’m in you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

They took a survey: “Why do men get up in the middle of the night?” Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement; I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I can’t figure women out. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa – she used to scream out her own name!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If that dress had pockets, you’d look like a pool table.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I tell ya, my dog is lazy; he don’t chase cars… he sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The football team from my high school was tough, after they sacked the quarterback they went after his family.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You look like the poster boy for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
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