Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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View All Authors
Author: Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Insults
Old
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Czervik in “Caddyshack”
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Fat
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking
Food/Drink
Marriage
Wives
Teeth
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Dogs
People
Self
Suicide
Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You’re an ecological menace!
Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Monty Capuletti in “Easy Money”
You take care, and I hope I run into you – when I’m driving.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults
The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Ugly
From Caddyshack
Hook
I shouldn’t tell jokes about my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive… the refrigerator.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink
Health
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places
Hotel
Towels
My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children
Family
Intelligence
Marriage
Stupidity
Smell
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse; an antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking
Food/Drink
Chocolate mousse
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
Ugly
As Al Czervik in “Caddyshack”
My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Wives
Psychiatrist
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Men
Money
Work
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People
Self
Appeal
I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Hair
Self
Breast feeding
When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
Sex
Group sex
I know Im getting old – I had an accident; I was arrested for hit and walk.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Old
Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Czervik in “Caddyshack”
Hat
[to a waitress in a bar] Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out… and then bring one every ten minutes.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Thornton Melon in “Back to School”
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children
Family
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