Author: Rodney Dangerfield

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I'm at the age where I want two girls; in case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I was making love to this girl and she started crying; I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I knew my parents hated me because my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I took out an English teacher. That didn’t work out at all. I sent her a love letter… She corrected it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

She was known as a two bagger; that’s when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

With the shape I’m in you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek… she bent over!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor













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