Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You’re an ecological menace!
Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You take care, and I hope I run into you – when I’m driving.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I shouldn’t tell jokes about my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive… the refrigerator.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse; an antler got stuck in my throat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we'll never see each other!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I know Im getting old – I had an accident; I was arrested for hit and walk.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

[to a waitress in a bar] Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out… and then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor