Author: Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I went to a massage parlor; it was self service.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The football team from my high school was tough, after they sacked the quarterback they went after his family.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife, she’s another one. Last night our house caught fire and I heard her tell the kids, “Shhh, be quiet; you’ll wake your father.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

For years I wouldn’t kiss my mother-in-law on the cheek… and I end up kissing her ass!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I'm at the age where I want two girls; in case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

With the shape I’m in you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When my wife has sex, she screams… especially when I walk in on her.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Why don’t you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I can’t figure women out. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa – she used to scream out her own name!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My old man never liked me; he gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor













The Hunger Site