Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 3

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Places

Thornton Melon: What’s your favorite subject?

Bubbles: Poetry.

Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Clothing Sex Wives

[on his donation of a building] I hereby dedicate this building to… myself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, “There’s water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In a lake.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Problems Things

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Entertainment People

I joined Gamblers Anonymous; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I’m not going to say my wife can’t cook, but should toast have bones?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

You spend too much money? Nah. A lot of people go to Switzerland to get their watch fixed.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Self Wives

Hey, I don’t get respect from anyone… why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People Self

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Hair Ugly

My wife’s a bad cook; the other night, she fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old

I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine… the staples covered everything!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Death Relationships

My old man was dumb, he picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence

I once dated a girl that was wild. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Relationships

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Wives