Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 4
I know Im getting old – I had an accident; I was arrested for hit and walk.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Old
I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Doctors
Health
Old
Things
Gun
Suicide
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Situations
Wives
My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath… he holds up his arms
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics
Health
Bad breath
Dentist
You may already be a loser!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics
People
Self
From a received form letter
I come from a stupid family… during the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Intelligence
Relationships
Stupidity
Civil War
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face – it shows.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Ugly
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Parents
Places
Young
Moving
Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. … I can’t believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
As Thornton Melon in “Back to School”
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People
Self
Homosexuals
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age
Education
Sex
Young
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
People
Self
Halloween
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People
Self
Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat; the first day I played with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Family
Fathers
Bat
Allison Capuletti: [as Monty is walking her down the aisle during her wedding ceremony] He’s everything I ever wanted.
Monty: You don’t ask for much do you?
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Monty Capuletti in “Easy Money”
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos
Things
I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos
Places
Things
Hubcaps
Neighborhood
For years I wouldn’t kiss my mother-in-law on the cheek… and I end up kissing her ass!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Monty Capuletti in “Easy Money”
Mother-in-law
My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce
Family
Marriage
Parents
Child custody
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
People
Self
Mask
Muggers
Page 4 of 13
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