Author: Roseanne Barr
My husband said he needed more space… so I locked him outside.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
I'm not upset about my divorce; I'm only upset I'm not a widow.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird… unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
To expect life to treat you good is as foolish as hoping a bull won’t hit you because you are a vegetarian.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
I know how to do anything — I’m a mom.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
My husband complained to; ‘I can’t remember when we last had sex,’ and I said; well I can and that’s why why we ain’t doin’ it.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
I thank God for creating gay men; because if it wasn’t for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, 'Sorry, we're open.’
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Men can read maps better than women… cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Birth control that really works – every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war… just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer