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Author: Rubin Safaya
How do you say, “I want a refund,” in Italian?
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“The Tourist”
This is either bad writing, bad direction, bad acting or a combination of the three.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3”
To describe this film as
“pornographically violent”
is an affront to pornography.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
Review of “The Hills Have Eyes”
… as fascinating as chewing styrofoam – with the occasional firecracker jammed in to make you chew faster.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Terminator Salvation”
It’s a ship. It sinks. People die. Sound familiar?
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Poseidon”
The film quickly abandons biting sarcasm in favor of gumming you to a sloppy, slow death.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Scary Movie 4”
It’s as if seven Vice Presidents of Production sat in a boardroom for three days straight, without food or water, and finally their collective genius, poring over reams of test screening data, resoundingly declared with one voice,
“We Need More Rum Jokes.”
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest”
[Lindsay] Lohan reads more like oak than Marilyn Monroe on her most inebriated day.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Just My Luck”
A forgettable entertainment that might be worth a matinee if you can't think of anything else to do – laundry, for example.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time”
It’s an underestimation of the intelligence of your average eight year old to believe his or her rapt attention can be held for long by a film like this.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
Of “The Shaggy Dog”
It’s disposable fun. Check your brain at the door on the way in. Drop all memory of the movie on your way out.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“The A-Team”
… if you’ve ever wondered what kind of jokes dogs would tell if they could speak, here’s your chance.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
Review of the movie “Up”
I defy you to write a dumber screenplay.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“All About Steve”
Leave it to Hollywood to take a bad idea and make it terrible.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“My Life in Ruins”
We could have done just as well to watch the proceedings on Court TV — free, as it were, to flip channels or get up for a snack and skip the parts that disinterest us, rather than be held hostage by 125 minutes of drive-by clichés.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Find Me Guilty”
The entire film seems to consist of three thoughts, cycled ad nauseum: Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. Make me a vampire.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“The Twilight Saga: New Moon”
Mr. [Channing] Tatum… gives Keanu Reeves serious competition – defining numerous shades of blank of which I had been thus far unaware.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
Reviewing “Dear John”
… logic be damned if this film needs an artificial catharsis to keep audiences from falling asleep.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
Of “Failure to Launch”
“ …as fascinating as chewing styrofoam – with the occasional firecracker jammed in to make you chew faster.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
“Terminator Salvation”
I would much rather see two hours of [Robert Downey, Jr.] improvising without any script, than watch five minutes of Zach Galifianakis’ tired shtick.
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
Reviewing “Due Date”
Did the studio put so little faith in this snowball of ineptitude that the filmmakers couldn’t even afford a tripod?
Rubin Safaya
film critic
Reviews/Criticism
Review of “Goods”