Author: Shelley Long

Sam: Coach, I’m gonna be blunt with you. Her friend’s cute and all that, but she doesn’t have what I’m lookin’ for in a woman.

Diane: What’s that? Break-away clothes?

(1949 – ) American actress

Sam, if brains were money you’d have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.

(1949 – ) American actress

Sam: I’ve never met an intelligent woman I’d want to date.
Diane: On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: ‘whew.’

(1949 – ) American actress

We’re not fighting, Carla. We’re merely discussing a little difference of opinion… I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

(1949 – ) American actress

[to Sam] When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you’re just clearing your throat.

(1949 – ) American actress

Sam: [angry] You want to know the truth? It wasn’t four honeys. It was four hundred women… easy.

Diane: [coolly] They’d have to be.

(1949 – ) American actress

Sam, I’m very impressed. That’s a complex psychological concept coming from a man who has to write “L” and “R” on the bottom of his shoes.

(1949 – ) American actress

If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.

(1949 – ) American actress

Diane: Do you know the difference between you and a fat, braying ass?
Sam: Nope.
Diane: The fat, braying ass would.

(1949 – ) American actress

Phillip: That’s the face I’ve been looking for.
Diane: Sorry, I’m still using it. I could let you visit it on weekends.

(1949 – ) American actress