Author: Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Sex Wordplay

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Situations

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Food/Drink Places

Money can’t buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Friends Money People Young

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Family Mothers

I hope you go before me because I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Death Entertainment

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Emotions Happiness Money

A cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Health

Well, we can't stand about here doing nothing; people will think we're workmen.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Work

I'm glad he died before me, because I didn't want him to sing at my funeral.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Death People