Author: Steve Martin

Some people have a way with words, and other people… oh, uh, not have way.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Cruel Shoes

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? … Take them to a museum and say, “This is art, and you can’t do it.”

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Always… no wait… never…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Yeah… I remember my first beer.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

You’re like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders… I hate necks.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A day without sunshine is like, you know… night.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: the Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
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