Author: Steven Wright

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It’s not an optical illusion; it just looks like one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… if you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head; if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m addicted to placebos; I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him; he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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