Author: Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a song, but I don’t know how to read music, so I don’t know what it is.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm taking Lamaze classes; I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Four years ago… no, it was yesterday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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