Author: Steven Wright

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was reading the dictionary… I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli; I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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