Author: Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli; I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got a new shadow… I had to get rid of the other one… it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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