Author: Steven Wright

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Energizer Bunny arrested… charged with battery.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is ‘tired old cliche’ one?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm writing a book… I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One night I came home very late; it was the next night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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