Author: Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How young can you die of old age?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can’t hear him talk.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
The Hunger Site