Author: Steven Wright

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli; I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic… I mimic my shadow.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was skydiving horizontally.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer