Author: Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don’t like dogs… keep getting mustard on my catcher’s mitt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year, and I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How young can you die of old age?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer