Author: Steven Wright

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab… the movie cost me $95.00.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My neighbors don’t like it when I talk to my plants… I use a megaphone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer