Author: Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him; he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I invented the cordless extension cord.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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