Author: Steven Wright

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was skydiving horizontally.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was reading the dictionary… I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got a new shadow… I had to get rid of the other one… it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer