Author: Steven Wright

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was reading the dictionary… I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I heard that in relativity theorgy, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out; when she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer