Author: Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… if you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head; if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was reading the dictionary… I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don't have to walk my dog anymore… I walked him all at once.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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