Author: Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was reading the dictionary… I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I invented the cordless extension cord.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer