Author: Steven Wright

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like candy canes; they’re my favorite candy… but I only like the white part.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a decaffeinated coffee table… you’d never know it to look at it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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