Author: Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One night I came home very late; it was the next night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings… no paint, no canvas; I just think about it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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