Author: Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer