Author: Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’ve always been bad at spelling – not sure whether it’s nature or nurture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was reading the dictionary… I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? … that’s why I never take baths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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