Author: Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don't have to walk my dog anymore… I walked him all at once.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don’t like dogs… keep getting mustard on my catcher’s mitt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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