Author: Steven Wright

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm writing a book… I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m a psychic amnesiac… I know in advance what I’ll forget.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in; now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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