Author: Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm taking Lamaze classes; I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m a psychic amnesiac… I know in advance what I’ll forget.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can’t hear him talk.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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