Author: Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind… because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm writing a book… I've got the page numbers done.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour; I said, “the whole time.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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