Author: Steven Wright

I wish my first spoken word was 'Quote' so I could make my last word 'Unquote'.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know… granted, it takes longer.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Hermits have no peer pressure.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My house is on the median strip of a highway; you don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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