Author: Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One night I came home very late; it was the next night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm writing a book… I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer