Author: Steven Wright

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don't have to walk my dog anymore… I walked him all at once.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer