Author: Steven Wright

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli; I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer