Author: Steven Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator…. he didn’t get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer













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