Author: Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… if you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head; if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is ‘tired old cliche’ one?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic… I mimic my shadow.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don’t like dogs… keep getting mustard on my catcher’s mitt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The earth is bipolar.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer













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