Author: Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One day my girlfriend asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer