Author: Steven Wright

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli; I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote,” so right before I die I could say “unquote.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is ‘tired old cliche’ one?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My house is on the median strip of a highway; you don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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