Author: Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Four years ago… no, it was yesterday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” … and then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind… because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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