Author: Steven Wright

I have a decaffeinated coffee table… you’d never know it to look at it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… I kept almost dying.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

One day my girlfriend asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli; I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer













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