Author: Steven Wright

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic… I mimic my shadow.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I went to the 24-hour grocer; when I got there, the guy was locking the front and I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Energizer Bunny arrested… charged with battery.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m a psychic amnesiac… I know in advance what I’ll forget.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer













The Hunger Site