Author: Steven Wright Page 13

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Women

He asked me if I knew what time it was… I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

I was Caesarean born; you can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous Self

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Money

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Life Time

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats

Death to all fanatics!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs People

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Music Situations

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Alcohol Food/Drink Time

One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Games People

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

Why is the alphabet in that order?… is it because of that song?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

Is ‘tired old cliche’ one?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay