Author: Steven Wright Page 2

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind… because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind Sex

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Entertainment

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Money

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

I was in a book store and saw a French looking girl, she was bi-illterate… she couldn’t read in two languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I’m a psychic amnesiac… I know in advance what I’ll forget.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic… I mimic my shadow.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Doctors Exercise Health

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Self

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime Things

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time