Author: Steven Wright Page 2

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

Ballerinas are always on their toes; why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I wrote a song, but I don’t know how to read music, so I don’t know what it is.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Friends Things

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

When I visit China I like to get Chinese food… ff course, over there they just call it food.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Places

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out; when she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

I broke a leg one time… spilled coffee all over.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Problems

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Music Situations

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Life Time

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities