Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Steven Wright Page 3
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People
Things
Blind
Deaf
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near
hit
to me!
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things
Ariplanes
Near miss
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Situations
Sleep
World
Broadcast
Dreams
satellite dish
I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos
Situations
Things
Keys
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Bathtub
Submarine
I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money
Situations
Electric company
Light bulbs
Mirrors
Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Occupations
Wordplay
Work
When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children
Communication
Family
Babies
Ballerinas are always on their toes; why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People
Ballerinas
I was in a book store and saw a French looking girl, she was bi-illterate… she couldn’t read in two languages.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Reading/Writing
Energizer Bunny arrested… charged with battery.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Husbands
Marriage
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Horses
Mohawk
One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family
Grandfather
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year, and I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age
Old
Young
When I visit China I like to get Chinese food… ff course, over there they just call it food.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink
Places
China
Chinese food
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children
Family
Situations
House
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People
Self
Hear
Parentheses
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Doctors
Exercise
Health
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Reading/Writing
Dictionary
Misspelling
I went to the 24-hour grocer; when I got there, the guy was locking the front and I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Time
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