Author: Steven Wright Page 4

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Husbands Marriage

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Death People Self

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear

How can there be self-help groups?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Work

I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind… because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind Sex

I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… if you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head; if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Dating Relationships

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

I’m addicted to placebos; I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things